


Running From Fate Gone Wrong

by ty_madison



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Funeral, Kissing, Loss of Limbs, Lots of Crying, M/M, Minor Character Death, Smut, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, War, bucky and angie just friend kiss and almost sleep together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 15:46:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11466684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ty_madison/pseuds/ty_madison
Summary: From the moment you are born your soulmates name is on your wrist. Bucky knew who's was on his, but knew he wasn't on theirs. Fate didn't make love easy for him, he watched as his soulmate fell in love with the name on his wrist. So he did everything to escape the feeling of not having his love reciprocated.





	Running From Fate Gone Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea for a while and I dunno you can read it if you want.

Laying on the soft flannel sheets Steve had on his bed, his hand rubbing at the leather band he had wrapped round his wrist and breathing so slowly. He was counting down the seconds till the exact minute Steve had been born, waiting for Steve to roll over clutching at his wrist and knowing that his name was going to appear there. His stomach was flipping, he hadn’t wanted Steve to know his name was right there on his wrist; he wanted Steve to fall for him because his heart lead him there not because of some words on their wrists.

Steve reached up from where he was laying the opposite way on the bed, his fingers twisting in with his. Cold and boney, like much of Steve. But nothing made Bucky close his eyes faster, made his toes curl in his socks and his breath hitch oh so gently in his chest. He had been in love with Steve from the first day the skinny little thing had smiled through a front toothless grin, blood running down his chin and thrust his hand out at him. The gentle squeezes on Steve’s nervous fingers round his made him acutely aware to his never ending fear of his soulmate being out of his league.

“What if they laugh at me, Buck?” He whispered, one of the few times Steve showed his scared he was, “What if my name comes in grey? What if I don’t get one at all…” and at that point his voice was so soft, it was like the covers under them.

Clenching his jaw at Steves very idea that this could possibly happen, Bucky pushed himself up. Then pulling Steve up so they were face to face. Before Steve could hide his arm from him, his fingers were gliding over the skin where he knew a name would show up. Where his name would show up. “Steve anyone would be lucky to have you. Your soulmate with never be out of your league and I know that that stupid heart of yours has already beat itself stupid for them.” Pressing a kiss to the skin, knowing Steve would turn pink right across his cheekbones, “They are perfect for you and you for them. These things are always right.”

Feeling heat run up his own throat, he let go and flopped back on the bed. Resting his hands behind his head, this was it the final five minutes. He heard Steve move his body across the bed, felt him lean down and shiver against the cooler fabric. Saw him pull his arm to his chest, press his face against Buckys ribs and breath out little puffs of warm air onto him. All of which had Buckys toes curling and forcing him not to laugh.

He wrapped his arm around him, feeling his ribs pressing into him, his blond hair tickle his bare skin and the way his lips moved against his thin shirt as he counted down the time.

Bucky made himself breath slow, this wasn’t like when he was in his own bed waiting to find out if the boy he had spent his whole life loving was his, with a thick leather band waiting to be slapped over it if it wasn’t. So scared that even if it was his name they would never be together. Steve had been so sick at the time, the doctors were genuinely unsure if he would make it home this time. But he had lain in his bed, mouth wide open round a silent scream as he felt the words slowly dig their way into his wrist. Then they were right there. Steves full brilliant name. The tears running down his face had burned, he ran his fingers over them for only a minute before wrapping the leather round his wrist. He had known before this that he would wait for Steves name to show before he let him know.

But right now he was looking at the white ceiling, following the cracks running along it. Trying to distract himself from counting down the time to seeing his name.

Then he heard it. The shaky breath coming from Steve.

He watched the way his eyes widened. His lips parted and the gurgle that left his lungs instead of the scream. Steves eyes widened with the pain, he watched at his fingers went white and pressed his wrist so tightly to his chest; Bucky was sure he would force it through. He knew it was a full minute of pain, that single minute that felt like dying and living all at once.

Then it was done.

Steve was panting against his side, his fingers slowly pinking up and the grip he had on himself going.

He rolled onto his side, with Steve pressed completely to his chest and his arms wrapped round him, he hoped and wanted to badly to see his name right there on that pale freckled wrist.

“Stevie…?”

A shuddering breath left Steve as he looked up, “I’m scared Buck.” He closed his eyes, “How did you do that alone? It’s so hard to breath and feel.” He watched as he went to pull his arm from his chest, but Steves eyes caught him. “You’re the best person I know Bucky, hope they are as good as you.” The smile of his face, made his heart jump and his palms sweat.

But he felt it all stop.

It all went fuzzy when he saw the confused look on Steves face. One which would spell disaster for them. Then he said a name, “Margaret Carter.” And his insides shrivelled, but he smiled never the less.

“She’s that girl in my English class.” Steve whispered.

Bucky screwed his eyes shut, he could feel tears forcing their way out of his eyes. It was like his whole soul was burning up, like whatever gave him those words wanted him to die from a broken heart and now he was going to let it happen. He wouldn’t leave Steves side, but there was also no way he would be with anyone else. 

“Yeah, she’s an absolute doll.” Bucky wasn’t lying. She really was everything he had tried to be for Steve. Smart, vibrant and he had seen the way she had watched Steve. How her eyes lit up, how under the makeup she wore the way her cheeks went pink and she would watch him through her eyelashes. “You two are perfect for each other.” his throat felt so dry and clogged. 

And for once Bucky hadn’t lied, if it wasn’t for Steves name dark and throbbing on his wrist he was sure they were made for each other. 

Then he stared up at the ceiling, imaging what would be happening right that second if it had been his name there. How Steve would have looked up at him wide eyed, lashes clumped with tears and shining with the realisation that his soulmate had been at his side his whole life. That they already knew everything about each other and that only the intimacy between them would hike up a notch. That the kisses they had already shared, the soft sweeps of hands meant more like they had felt and that every single time that Bucky had told Steve he was the only person he truly cared for he meant it in every sense of the phrase. 

He could imagine the cold hand skimming up his cheek, his name visible on that fragile wrist and the species of paint that stained his fingernails. Just to pull Buckys face down to his, press their lips together. Feeling a kiss from the first time they were one anothers, but this wasn’t what he had. Instead he looked down to see Steve, mouth open drooling on Buckys shirt and soft snores filling the rapidly rolling air. 

Bucky watched out the window as the sun set. Lifting his arm to look at the band, he pulled it off and hoped the letters burned into his skin were the same jet black they had always been. The band slipped from his fingers, bouncing onto the sheets and he looked. They were there dark against the paler strip of skin, but he couldn’t help but notice the way the letters almost seemed to be leaking into the skin surrounding. 

Clamping his jaw tightly, closing is eyes as he strapped the band back on and he finally let the tears fall from his eyes. He listened to Steve sleep, the quiet shuffle of Mrs. Rogers as she wondered the apartment trying to fight off her constant insomnia, he could hear shouting in the alleyway behind them and the noises of the city. 

Letting the tears slip into his cropped hair and forcing himself to try and sleep, he knew tomorrow would be much worse. Tomorrow he was going to watch Steve go up to the girl with the name on his wrist and Bucky would have to watch with his whole life as they got everything he had ever wanted. 

——————

He blinked awake with the feeling of a chin digging into ribs and a heavy pressure between his thighs, like most mornings. Scrunching up his face and swinging his hand down to shove Steve off of him, “Seriously Steve.” he grumbled, hearing Steve laugh and shake the bed slightly with it. He just needed to get away from Steve he didn't want him noticing what spending a night in bed with him had done. 

Rolling his eyes and making his way to the bathroom, he could hear Sarah pottering about in the kitchen. A cough rattling through her chest, she was as sick as Steve was but she never let it slow her down. Which is exactly where Steve got it into his head that even if his arm was hanging on by a thread he should still come to school if it would kill him. 

Smiling and looking towards the kitchen, he saw Sarah pop her head round the door frame and smile brightly at him. She scurried towards him, her straight white teeth gleaming in the bright light streaming through the windows. And all Bucky could think was about how much Steve looked like his mother and the only difference was their eye colour, his a swirl of blue grey while hers were that deep dark brown. 

“James.” She smiled; standing up on her tip toes and running her hand over his head like he was still five years old, “It’s good news isn’t it.” He knew that Sarahs soulmate was dead by the time her name came up and she had only hoped that Steves would be dark against his skin. And Bucky couldn’t help but smile down at her. 

“Course!” His smile was just as bright as hers, he couldn’t be anything but in her presence. “Steve is real happy 'bout it. Pretty sure he has liked her since he saw her walk in the class door.” And he wasn’t sure but he saw a slight frown form on her brow. But she rested her hand on his cheek and rubbed it like there was dirt stuck to him, before patting his cheek. “Go shower and I will have breakfast ready for you both.” 

It was a short walk to the bathroom and he could still here Steve rustling around in the bedsheets. 

There was nothing like standing in the shower, listening the the Rogers struggling boiler try to turn out warm water. It brought back memories of when he and Steve would ‘practice’ kissing and Bucky would get so worked up he would fly out of the room and stand in the shower willing his dick to just calm down because of a few kisses and barely wondering hands. Although feeling the warm water run down his skin, the memories of him jerking off as quickly as he could. 

His erection which he had thought was dead to the world, was quickly stirring between his legs and he knew he shouldn’t. That Steve would need to shower soon and that if he made a single noise that Steve or Sarah would hear it. But instead he bit his lip. Let his hand run its way down his chest, feeling his muscle twitch under his hand and his chest moving harder. 

Turning into the water he let his head fall forward, his mouth drop open and finally let his hand close round himself. Bucky licked his lips, swallowed and let his hand move. Slow at first just trying to build himself up, one hand he placed on the wall and keeping himself up. His mind started to wonder. He thought about the times Steve and clambered into his lap, his mouth hot and insistent oh his, how his boney knees had dug into his hips and how he had fisted Buckys hair. Steves hips jerked down against Buckys, making his toes curl and Steve had let out a low moan; then shoved at Buckys shoulders. Steve grinned down at him and then had rolled off, breathing loudly next to him. But he let himself think about what could have happened. 

How Buckys would have grasped him by the hip and pulled him down to kiss him, listened as Steve moaned. Felt the responding hardness in Steves pants, helped him move his hips against him and never stopped kissing him. Not matter where his lips were, making Steve feel so good. His cock jerked in his fist as he kept touching himself. He knew the noises Steve made before he came, he could imagine the noises ringing through his ears and how Steves hips would jerk down against him. The sounds pouring out of his mouth as he came in his pants. 

And right then his hand gripped as tight as it could against the wall and panted. He really shouldn’t be thinking of Steve anymore. He clenched his jaw and stared at the tiled wall. 

He was Steves. But Steve wasn’t his. 

“Bucky?! What are you doing!?” Steve shouted hitting his hand off the door, and the door popped open. “Why didn’t you lock the door? Trying the exhibitionist thing out?” The laughter that came along with words, that were a lot closer had Bucky turning towards the curtain. 

And he slipped. Falling down with a thud inside the yellow tub. He heard more than saw the curtain get thrown open, then there was Steves face. Staring down at him. “I know I am worth falling for Bucky, but you didn’t have to do it just cuz i walked in the room.” he said with a smirk and laughed at what ever face Bucky was making. 

“Punk.” he growled and grabbed Steve. Pulling him into the tub and under the water in his sleep clothes. And started laughing as he watched Steves sudden shock turn into his little evil grin he got when he was challenged to anything. He started grabbing at the bottles lining the tub and pouring them over Buckys head and there was no way Bucky was going to school smelling like anything but flowers. 

It wasn’t till his hand wrapped round a bottle and he emptied the entire thing over Steves head that it stopped. Steve stared at him under the blue body wash that was dripping down his face, “Jerk!" he shouted before frantically trying to scrub the stuff out his hair. “I am going to smell like the locker room with out the sweat part!” And Bucky just lay on his back, stark naked with Steve standing above him scrubbing at his hair. 

He stood slowly, moving behind Steve and scrubbing the mix of shampoo off his hair and body. He could smell the overwhelming smell of the body wash on Steve and thought he should feel bad; but it had been so fun he really couldn’t. 

Stepping out of the shower, he listened as Steve pulled his clothes off. And he left. 

Walking back to the bedroom, Sarah popped her head round the door and raised her perfectly arched eyebrow at him. He looked down slightly ashamed of what she may be thinking they just did, “Ten minutes and you will have the most delicious gluten and lactose free pancakes.” Before waving him away using the spatula. 

——————

Stuffing his mouth full with the pancakes and syrup that he could get, he flicked his eyes up to catch Steve looking at him like he was jealous of the speed Bucky was putting the pancakes away while Sarah looked mildly concerned at the speed he was doing so. 

Dropping his fork on the plate with a loud clang, and smiled. At this Steve really did look disgusted, his nose scrunching up and also placing his fork down. Bucky started cleaning up the table, something he did in his own home and moved to dump all the plates in the sink. He let his head drop for only a second and felt tears prickle at the corner of his eyes. 

But turned and smiled at Steve, “Let’s go get your girl.” 

——————

It took him until lunch to find out that Steve and Peggy apparently had been found during a free period making out. And he had been expecting it to hurt, but his heart felt like it had been punched out of his chest. The food sitting in his tray hadn’t been appetising in the first place but now it made him want to throw up. His hands formed fists, under the table and tears really did start falling from his eyes. 

Girls had been walking around whispering at how Steve must be really good lay, for him to snatch up a girl like Peggy. A girl who had punched a jock on the first day for grabbing her ass and smiled like the sun was hiding behind her eyes. 

Boys had been walking around complaining that Steve had snatched up Peggy, that she must feel sorry for him. That she could do so much better that Steve, that she had to be settling for a boring boy before going off to meet her true soulmate. Bucky had to breath slow and through his nose when he heard that. 

it was the sound of a tray hitting the table in front of him, that had him looking up; tears still falling down his cheeks. To see Angie Martinelli, sitting right there, with her always perfect make up smudged down her face. Tear tracks running through her foundation and mascara flaked off down her cheeks. She pursed her lips and took in Buckys face, obviously seeing the similar pain on his and the tense aura that had surrounded her dropped. 

She stood rounded the table and grabbed his hand, dragging him after her. To the sound of the others in the cafeteria cheering them on, along with the sound of a few wolf whistles. 

She kept pulling him through the hallways, glaring at anyone in their path and he watched as a few people threw themselves against their lockers to avoid them. But eyes followed them and Bucky knew within the next twenty minutes rumours would be circling the school. 

Angie pushed him threw a door, then he was standing in the middle of the girls restroom. There was no way that any rumour expect for the fact they were making out at least would go round the school. He watched as she walked along the stalls, slamming the cubicles open to make sure it was empty, before walking back to the door and locking it. 

A sharp slap to his chest and then her head was resting on him. Tears soaking easily into his t-shirt and he felt his slip down his cheeks again. He moved slowly so they were both sat in the floor, he didn’t even think about it; all he knew was that his legs couldn’t hold both of them up. Bucky could feel her clawing at the band on her wrist, similar to his but a soft tan suede, but her blue nails were scraping over the clasp and her breath was getting heavier. 

Stilling her hands, he slipped the band open but kept it shut over he name and reached to undo his. They sat there looking down at their own wrists, tears dripping from their chins and Bucky knew their hearts were shattered in their chests. Letting out a shaky breath and dropping his band on the floor, he looked into her eyes as she dropped hers right into her lap. 

Slowly they let their eyes look at the words stark against the skin of their wrists. 

The surprised oh that fell from his lips, was echoed by Angie. They both had names on their wrists that didn’t have their names. She knew exactly what he was going through. He could see that she had the same undieing love in her eyes, that she was as scared about what was happening to her. 

He cupped the back of her head, pressed their foreheads together and felt her hands grip the back of his neck. It was the comfort he had been seeking since he had seen the words form on Steve, since he realised he had lost the love of his life to someone else; through no fault of his own. 

“God…it hurts so much.” He breathed, “I didn’t know this happened. I didn’t know that fate would do this to people.” Every word forced Angies nails deeper into the skin of his neck, not that he thought she meant it. 

Angie chuckled wetly, “I was so angry.” she whispered, “I was so sure that Peggy would stop crushing on Steve. That you two would walk in the doors, that Steve would look at you the way you look at him and you would kiss. Then Peggy would get over Steve and then eventually she would accept that since my name was on her wrist, we would get married and everything.” Her voice was broken by the end. 

“I was laying with him when the name showed up. He was laying on my chest and i was waiting till I could kiss him as my soulmate, but you know…” he trailed off. 

Scrubbing at her eyes, she stood up. Wrapped the band round her wrist and looked at herself in the mirror. “Jesus…” she trailed off. Then opening her bag started pulling makeup out of it, redoing her face and Bucky sat on the floor and watched. He found it fascinating that se was covering up every single thing that could show she had been crying.

The only thing that hinted at it was her red eyes, but with a swipe of red lipstick he barely noticed. his eyes being dragged down the bright colour on her lips. It was amazing what she was able to do. Raising an eyebrow at him she leaned down, started wiping at his face then brushing it with a soft brush. 

“They will never know.” She said, before standing opening the door and leaving. 

Bucky didn’t know if she meant people knowing they had spent how ever long crying in each others arms in a restroom or if that Steve and Peggy wouldn’y know about their names. 

But he wasn’t letting anyone know either of them. 

——————

For the next few months Steve spent almost all of his time with Peggy. When he was with Bucky all he did was talk about her and about how they had both got into the same college. He would occasionally ask Bucky about his name, but Bucky would just smirk and say it wasn’t important. 

But when Bucky wasn’t with Steve, he was normally sat in his room with Angie. They would often talk about what they were going to do with their lives after summer, Angie takes about how she was going to try and become an actress. But as was the normal run of things, till she got her break she was waiting tables. The only thing she ever complained about the job was the creepy guys who would hit on her with their soulmate marks shining under the lights. 

Sighing Bucky confessed to her that he wasn’t going to college, he had turned down his place and he hadn’t told Steve. He would whisper to her as they lay under the sheets of his bed, that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to go, it was simply he couldn’t spend four years watching Steve and Peggy fall so deeply in love and he would be stuck pining for someone he could never have. 

Angie would always wipe the tears from his eyes and press a red lipstick stain kiss to his forehead. Brush his hair back and smile the same watery smile, showing that she was doing the same. 

It wasn’t until two weeks before he was meant to be heading to college, he was sat in Steves room as he walked around packing up everything he would need. Watching as Steve talking so excitedly about everything they were going to experience together and how it sucked they were in different dorms. That he couldn’t hold it back anymore. 

“I’m not going.” Steve spun round to face him, his face so confused. The book he was holding falling to the floor. 

Then he clenched his jaw and stood right in front of him, his face like thunder. “What do you mean? Not going?” And Bucky forced his face away, he couldn’t look at Steve right now. Licking his lips, and opening and closing his mouth a few times he spoke. “College. I’m not going to college, it’s not for me.” he said with a shrug. 

The punch to his shoulder should have shocked him, but he was expecting it. “You’re the one that made me want to go!” Steve growled, “You are the one that said we would go together! You promised me Bucky!” Shoving Bucky again he kept shouting, “Out of the two of us, you are meant to be the smart one! You are the smarter one!” Bucky kept his head down to the floor and breathing slowly. He had to control what he said, there was no way he was going to let himself get angry and tell Steve the real reason. 

“Steve…” he murmured, “…I just think that something else is for me, okay.” He knew Steve was going to hate him when he brought up what he was going to do instead. He was effectively going to do what Steve had dreamed of doing before he became aware it just wasn’t an option for him considering how ill he had been. 

“What could you possibly think about doing instead?” Steve grit out, “Because Peggy is already upset with Angie. How she is leaving her best friend to pursue acting. So it better be something damn good, Buck.” 

Swallowing down the fear and pain he spoke, “I’m joining the army Steve.” 

There was nothing but dead silence. He couldn’t even hear either of them breathe. Nothing. Painful horrible nothing. 

“Get. The. Fuck. Out.” Steve whispered. 

And when Bucky didn’t move, Steve started punching, hitting and slapping at him. “GET THE FUCK OUT BUCKY! GET THE FUCK OUT! I FUCKING HATE YOU! STEALING THE ONE DREAM I HAD BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY! GET OUT!” Bucky scrambled from the room, on his hands. he pulled himself up in the hallway and ran past Sarah who was standing at the entrance to the kitchen. Her eyebrows raised and a tissue clutched to her face. 

Looking at her Bucky knew he had to say sorry, “Tell him i’m sorry and i understand if he never forgives me.” Her free hand grips his wrist, the one covered with his band. Her eyes were soft and full of tears. 

“I know James.” he thumb rubbed where Steves name was and he realised that she had known. That the look in her eyes that morning so long ago had been what he had thought. He looked away from her and she let go. He ran straight to his house, with his phone pressed to his ear and listened as Angie cried down the phone to him and she listened to him. 

That night he fell asleep curled up in bed with her, no makeup in sight. Both of their eyes red and swollen and the scent of heartbreak leaking through every pore. 

——————

While in the army he spent most of his time focused on being the best he could be, quickly becoming one of the best snipers in his unit. He often got odd looks from others, more so when they saw his soul mark was crisp and clean. Most others that were as focused as his had lost their soulmates so wanted to make the most of their lives, but he just wanted to forget about the name on his wrist. 

But every week he wrote a letter to Angie. She had made him pinky promise to write letters, she said while letter writing was dead, it was something loved and it actually made the week pass quickly. Waiting for that letter every Friday. 

There were times when the letters were sad, like when Angie had gone to visit Peggy and had spent the whole weekend with her and Steve when she had been promised to have a girls only weekend. How she told Bucky with the tears soaking the paper and smearing the ink, that she felt like Peggy didn’t care about anything but her and Steve being together. 

But the bit that had broke his heart was how angry Steve had got when he found out that Angie still spoke to him, and had told Angie that he didn’t want her telling him anything about him. He had forced the tears down and written back about how boring life was. How he was waiting for the date to come where he was being shipped out for the first time. 

The letter that came after had him laughing so hard he thought his lungs were going to come up. Angie had finally got a role, it was only in a commercial but Angie said that everyone started small. But it wasn't until he got to the part when she told him it was for a piles cream, she told him the name of the cream and everything so he could look it up in the future, so he could cheer himself up. 

——————

His first time in war was not what he had thought it was, it was hard and horrible. At nights when they were meant to sleep, he was kept awake by people screaming in their sleep. Others like him who sleep simply just evaded and some who would spend their nights in beds of others, the sounds of their moans filling the space they slept in. 

The smell of blood and singed flesh was often haunting him, along with screams in a language he couldn’t understand. He had known going into this that nothing would be easy, that he wouldn’t come out the same. But it made him forget about the name on his wrist. 

Bucky had one day where they were free and finally looked up the commercial, Angie had asked him in every letter since it had aired if he had seen it. And finally he was going to. But he found himself sitting with a few others, Natasha and Clint. 

Two others who oddly had each others names on their wrists and had met their first day over there. That they had eventually realised that they couldn’t escape how they felt even if their was seven years between them and even if they had finally kissed after Natasha had broken Clints nose; when he had tried to hold her hand. Bucky found they were the only ones who didn’t care about what was on his wrist and treated him like his want to be as good as he could as a normality. 

They sat watching the video load slowly, the small circle twirling on the screen then it started. It showed Angie; cycling a bike, riding a horse, and even showing off her skills doing arial hoop. Then it ended with her looking directly down the camera with her saying “I have piles. And by using Faswerren Cream I can do anything I want to.” 

It took only a second for them to look at each other before they are falling on the floor laughing. And it’s only then they forget that they are all in a war zone waiting for the next thing to stop, to run from and to possibly die. 

That night while he is writing his letter, he talks about how much everyone in the unit loved the advert. Many people asking if Angie had a soulmate, that she was going to be famous here and that he couldn’t wait to see what she was in next and that he couldn’t be prouder of her. He even said in the letter that he felt that she was his best friend now. 

He told her about Clint and Natasha and how they got together, how he hadn’t seen two people look so in love in his life and not let it affect a single thing they were doing. That they fought together. 

Bucky didn’t want to but he wanted to know how Steve was and how his mum was. 

She never told him in the letters, told him it could wait till he came home. That they had so much to talk about but that letters weren't the place to do it. He agreed and waited to hear about it when he got home. 

——————

When he got home, his family walked around him like they were unsure of how to act. All apart from his youngest sister, who at the grand old age of eight which she was convicted made her old, who would get him to play with her. It wasn’t until his mum walked in on him dressed up in a pink princess dress and crown having a tea party, that she realised while the war had changed him a little he was still the Bucky he had been before he left. 

What he hadn’t expected was for his mum to realise this and within seconds take a picture of him looking up at her in the costume and put it straight on Facebook. 

It was pretty horrible dealing with the jokes people were making about it. All until Angie turned up at his door dressed in an ill-fitting dress and they had another tea party with his sister Polly. He hadn’t seen her smile so wide since he had come home. Pictures were taken and shared all on Angies Facebook. 

Other days he spent teaching Mary to drive and he could say it was one of the more scary experiences from being home, then he would take Kate who at fourteen was going through a stage of wearing only black and being melodramatic about everything. Which Bucky understood and was the one in the family who accepted it and would take her shopping for clothes. 

The time he liked the most was spending time with Angie in her bedroom, curled up on her bed. He felt like he was eighteen again, he was twenty and time was flying past him. Angie had finally got a roll on a tv show and while she told him it was a small recurring role, he had a feeling that if people loved her as much as he did it wouldn’t be one for long. 

“I’ve missed this.” he whispered, leaning forward to peck her lips. 

She beamed at him and pressed their foreheads together. “Same. I feel like you are my only friend, even if you are thousands of miles away and only writing letters.” Her hand was running over his hair which he let grow out a little while he was home. Then her eyes closed tightly, like she had something she wanted to say but also couldn’t bare to say. 

“Peggy called me this morning.” her voice was so soft, “She told me that she was looking for one of Steves t-shirts to wear while cleaning.” her eyes rolled and Bucky remembered that Steve wouldn’t throw anything away unless it was barely even worth wearing. “She told me…she…um…she found a box in the drawer. So she opened it.” Her eyes shut and he watched tears fall, “It was a ring.” 

And Bucky felt it happen again, that pure hate filled fear that he was really loosing Steve. He had known before that they couldn’t be together but he had never thought that one day Steve would be off marrying someone else, that he wouldn’t be the one at the very alter marrying Steve. And one single look at Angies face showed that. That she was falling down the same road. 

God both of them were loosing the people they wanted most in the world to each other. 

Hands wrapped round his head and pulled him forward. Soft lips pressed against his, and he just let himself fall into it. He wrapped his hands round her waist pulling her close, feeling her chest against his and deepening the kiss. He wanted to forget and so did she. They kissed feeling their tears mixing, feeling her hands scratch over his scalp, how he was getting hard. 

He rolled so he was on top of her, between her legs and running his hands over her jean covered thighs. Both of them were moaning into each other, his hands run up under shirt pushing it up and off. She did the same and then they were there naked from the waist up and staring at each other panting. It didn’t feel right but, if she didn’t want to stop then he wouldn’t. Hands pulled him down and his lips were on her neck, sucking and biting. Listening as she moaned, the moon was making her skin glow. Golden and completely different to Steves pale freckle covered skin. 

And then he couldn’t do it. 

He pulled back, fell so he was sitting on his butt between her legs. And tears were streaming down his face no matter how much he willed them not too, no matter how much he scrubbed at his face. Her hands were on him, pulling him so his face rested on her naked shoulder. They sat their half naked and lips swollen, crying into each others arms. 

They were both so lost in their sorrow they didn’t hear the front door open, didn’t hear the excited footsteps running towards the room. They did hear the door open and they flew apart. Angie looked towards the door, no shame on her face from being half naked and Bucky faced the open window not wanting who ever it was to see his face or his arm clutched to his chest. 

“Angie!” Came the loud shout of Peggy Carters unmistakeable accent and the long suffering sigh that he knew belonged to Steve. She bounded across the room and hugged Angie, ignoring Bucky altogether not even trying to look at him which he was glad for. “Look!” 

The soft Oh, that fell from Angie made him know he didn’t need to look to know what Angie was being shown. It would be that ring. 

“It’s beautiful.” He felt her moved from the bed and stand to hug Peggy, he could just see the reflections. “Good choice Steve. But uh maybe we should leave the room so my friend can leave.” As they left the room he heard Steve say, “God Angie tell me it isn’t someone who already knows their soulmate, it’s disgusting that.”

Bucky tugged his hoodie on, flipped the hood up and walked out. He walked past the sofa where they were sat, Angie now wearing the tank he left there a week ago, she leapt up and kissed his cheek. Her eyes were holding back the tears, that were freely streaming down his and thats when he whispered, “I leave next week. Going to turn twenty-one on this tour.” 

——————

Bucky wasn’t coping at all on this tour. 

He had watched a boy get shot through the chest right in front of him, had felt the blood hit his face. The iron rich scent filling his every sense. It haunted him in his dreams, had him waking up screaming when he actually got a small amount of sleep. 

He lay in his bunk as some others talked about Tony Stark was planning on coming out to see the war zone and how his weapons were happing fight the fight. And Bucky laughed, this man who knew nothing about war bar the weapons he sent out for them to use. He could imagine that he would be living in a mansion compared to what they were in. 

Turning he saw Natasha where she was sat on Clints bunk roll her eyes and murmur something in Russian which had Clint falling backwards laughing, at his raised eyebrow it was quickly translated, “Rich boy wants to see war, but not experience it. So he can say he's been to war, but without the chance of getting hurt.” Bucky couldn’t help the smirk crossing his face. 

——————

It was week before Mr. Stark was meant to come over and Bucky was sitting in the truck, he was being moved to the camp he was meant to be in. They wanted a sniper who had yet to miss a mark there. Someone who would keep Mr. Stark safe and he in a way he was glad because he wouldn’t be seeing some hard fighting for a while. 

He listened as the others talked excitedly about getting to meet someone as famous and smart as Tony Stark. How they had heard so many stories about him and they would be able to find out what was true and what wasn’t. 

The heat was intense inside the truck, having six grown men in such a small space decked up in full uniform had sweat dripping down the back of Buckys neck and making him shiver. So he rolled down the window. Let his arm rest out the window, tapping out a beat with his fingers. 

He looked at Chuck in the front seat, “Hey wasn’t it your birthday last week, Barnes?” Bucky smirked and nodded. “Yeah want to know what I got?” The round of yeahs, and he spoke. “Got a kiss from Romanoff.” which he got a "What the fuck man? She fucking scary.” from Chuck and Teels added, “And hot.” 

Bucky flicked his helmet, “Don’t let Barton hear you say that.” he whispered. 

“Don’t let me hear what Barnes?” Came a shout from the front, “You better not be insulting me! Ya dick!” Clint raised an eyebrow as he looked at him. 

Bucky laughed, “I would never disrespect my elders.” The noise Clint made and the face made Bucky laugh so loudly. 

“Don’t make me put you over my knee, kiddo.” Clint shouted back and the truck was filled with laughter. It was moments like this that made it okay to be out here, then the next thing he knows Clint is turning up the radio and starts head banging. Smiling and watching as they all join in and sing along to Cherry Pie. Hitting his hand on the outside of the door and watching at Teels starts air drumming next to him, Clint turned towards him and was going all out on the air guitar. 

They were so lost in that small moment that when the next thing happened they were really taken by surprise. 

It was going so slow. He felt the heat of an explosion on his arm, felt the truck flip watches Clints helmet free head smacked so hard into the glass it bounced off and hit it again just as hard. He was sure he could heard bones break, voices scream and this shock of pain going through his arm. 

Bucky looked to his arm but before he could even think about what he was seeing he blacked out.

——————

Next thing he knew he looked up to see Clint dragging him by the arm, blood was dried down the sides of his neck from his ears and he saw Teels and Chuck caring each other as well as they could. They were pretty bashed up and there was a trail of blood along the sand. Frowning slightly he looked down and thats when he saw it. 

Where his arm was was a stump, a belt tied round the top of what was left but the material covering it was soaked. 

——————

When he woke up again, he was in a hospital and it was three days later. 

Turning his head he saw Clint slumped down in a seat, stitches holding his left eyebrow together and bandages wrapped round his head and covering his ears. The bruises that covered his face, showed how bad it must have been. Bucky reached out with his hand, he touched Clints leg and watched him jump clear up in the air and place his hand over his heart. 

“Trying to kill Buck? After all we went through?” He smiled brightly trying to lighten the mood and Bucky opened his mouth to speak but Clint held up his hands. “Gonna need you to talk slow and clear. Apparently I am deaf, dunno if I will get it back but what can you do.” he shrugged his shoulders and Bucky agreed. 

Right then he remembered and looked over at his arm. The stump finished midway down his upper arm, he looked down at it and raised it slightly. It was harder than he thought it would be, he didn’t know but he just thought it would be easy considering there was less weight there now. 

He heard Clint hum, “Yeah you got the worst of it, but we are the only ones that lost something.” He looked away, towards flowers that were somehow sitting on his bedside table, “We ain’t coming back, not that I am complaining.” He rubbed at his name on his wrist obviously thinking about Natasha. 

The punch hit him right in the chest, Steves name was gone with his arm. He didn’t have the name anymore and after three years of wanting it gone, here he was feeling so much pain about not having it he started to cry. He was loud and shaking and because was so focused on staring at the sand out the window he didn’t notice. 

He watched Clint jump a mile in the air as a nurse ran in, a needle in hand incase it was needed but she stopped and stared at his face; before dropping it down to his arm. Her face going soft for a second, gripped his hand and walked away. 

Looking at Clint who seemed to only realise why Bucky was acting the way he was, he slumped back in his seat and looked at Bucky. Letting his hands grip Buckys. Bucky could hear him whispering to him, telling it was okay and that it might show up somewhere else. He would look it up, there had to be other people who had lost arms. He was chatting away and the noise was making Bucky calm a little. 

Eventually he fell asleep, he just wanted to go home. 

——————

He got his wish a month later. He was on a plane back home, honourable discharge. It was something he knew would get around town before he even came home. He was ready to see his family, get used to being home, get used to the fact he would have to make a new life. 

Being the last one to exit the plane, he walked out. Bucky trudged along, waiting to see his family and Angie who had come along. They were all excited to see him even if they weren’t the best circumstances. 

Bucky walked into the greeting area and saw his family standing with a huge welcome home banner stretching out to fill more space than was really allowed. But he ran for them, a smile cracking his face and he fell to the ground with them all wrapped round him. Polly had her face tucked into his neck and he could feel her snotty wet tears sticking to his skin. And he felt happy. Actually happy unlike he had been since he left. 

A kiss was pressed to his lips and Angie smiled at him, her make up barley touched by the tears streaming down her face. 

The drive to his house was calm, music playing and he watched as they drove through a landscape that reminded him of nothing that he had been in before. The trees and grass were so green and beautiful, he let his eyes shut and stared out the window. Angie held tightly onto his hand, gripping it every now again as if she was the one checking that he was really there. 

When they finally reached town, he saw posters and banners everywhere. Ones welcoming him home and he felt so embarrassed. He turned away looking at Angie, looked at their hands and rested his head on her shoulder. 

His dad guided him into the house, Bucky listened as his mum told his sisters to leave him alone for a while; that he needed to rest. His dad spoke the whole time, telling him all about what his sisters had been up to and with a great amount of surprise saying that some how Mary had passed and could now drive a car. That Kate had come home with a giant illegal tattoo and a face full of piercings and that he was oddly proud of her, he smiled at all the things his sisters had done while he was gone but he missed it. And he was jealous he didn’t get to experience it first hand. 

It was only a few hours after he fell asleep when his dad shook him awake. He flung himself away from him and looked towards the light streaming through the door. Then his heart broke his mum had tears streaming down her cheeks and all his little sisters looked scared of him. They all seemed to know it wouldn’t be the same as last time, but not at how bad it was going to be. 

——————

The next year was hard for Bucky. He spent it going to multiple therapists, going to meetings with others who had come back from war like him. Listening to their stories but staying eerily silent, a few others had missing limbs and they were open with how it made them feel since coming back. Some talked about how their soulmates helped them through it, most kept silent on that topic. 

He kept up his letter writing, it was therapeutic for him. 

Each week he sent a letter to Clint, Natasha and Angie. Even though he saw most of the enough that the letters were not necessary, but they all continued it. He never asked Angie about Steve and Peggy, didn’t know if they were married or how Sarah had been. 

Around the time one of his therapists asked if he had thought about having a prosthetic fitted, he had a relapse. He ended up hospitalised for a month, two of which he wasn’t allowed visitors and he hated being there; even if it was the place where he finally realised he needed to talk. 

The day after he left he found himself in a veterans support meeting. 

He recognised a few of the people there, but this was a different one to the others he had gone too. This one was lead by a guy not much older than him, who started off the meeting by explaining that he was called Sam, that he had lost his partner and soulmate in the war. That nothing was off limits, that you didn’t need to talk about what happened in the war. He then spoke about going to the Walmart in town and crying in the fruit isle because he saw kiwis and Riley had loved them. Bucky smiled at that, that this strong normal seeming guy was open about things that Bucky was sure he would be scared to talk about. 

He laughed as he listened to one of the others in the room talk about how they had woken up the morning to find their dog had ripped up their sofa and hidden inside the carcass of the thing left. The girl said it was the highlight of her day trying to clean up the mess while her dog jumped around her legs making it into a game and she ended up laying in the shredded foam with the dog for hours. 

Bucky bit his lip as Sam asked if anyone had anything else they wanted to share and that was when Bucky wanted to talk, tell these people he hadn’t told his therapists. 

He raised his hand. “Yeah on you go Buck.” Sam smiled and waved at him to speak. 

“My soulmate isn’t mine.” He saw a frown crease down over Sams face. Then watched as the others in the room tensed up and Bucky felt his throat tighten. 

“Meetings over guys.” Sam said waving his hands and moving to sit down next to Bucky. “Wanna explain that?” His hand resting on Buckys shoulder. 

“The reason I even went and joined the army is because the name on my wrist, wasn’t the one on his.” He looked at Sam, “ He is off with this amazing girl and they are getting married, because she has his name too and it hurt to much to watch them be in love so i left.” 

What Bucky didn’t expect was for Sam to lean back over the back of the chair and say, “That fucking sucks man.” Looking at Bucky right in the eyes, “Sucks to be you, but also him. He has apparently got two soulmates but only gets to be with one.” 

Bucky laughed right then, Sam didn’t feel sorry for him and wasn’t going to play that card. He was a bit of a dick and he would get on so well with Steve. His heart clenched and he smiled, he finally felt a little weight come off his shoulders. 

“Wait! Shit!” Sam said sitting up, “You lost your mark! Holy shit!” Looking right at Bucky, grabbing his arm and flipping it. “Huh…didn’t show up on this arm. Do you even have one now?” Bucky shook his head and stood to leave. “Hey didn’t mean to offend you.” 

Shaking his head Buck raised his hand in a placating way, “You didn’t. But my sixteen year old sister is taking me home.” He looked up the the clock, “And she will leave without me, she’s done it before.” he laughed and waved Sam off. Walking out in the parking lot, he frowned seeing his dad waiting there. Stalking towards the car, he saw his dad roll his eyes like he always did when he saw Bucky tuck his hair behind his ear. 

“I’m not cutting it.” 

“I didn’t say anything.” He dad retorted but without the normal way he said it. Frowning at his Dad he waited to see why he was getting picked up by his dad and why he wasn’t acting like himself. Sighing his dad started driving and locked the doors. Looking from the door back to his dad, he let his face show the complete confusion of what he felt. “Son.” it was something bad, his dad only called him that if it was bad news. “We got a call while you were out. Mrs. Rogers, Sarah passed away last night. The cancer made her so weak and she got sick. Steve phoned, they are having the funeral Thursday and the wake at her apartment.” 

Bucky just nodded, he had no idea Sarah was even sick. 

Thursday came a lot quicker than he had expected, the funeral was horrible. It was something that he never wanted to see. He didn’t want to bury a woman who had been like a mother to him, someone that understood why he did what he did and didn’t blame him. She had been writing to him the whole time he was away and filling him in on all the gossip from the town, but she had never told him she had cancer. because maybe he would have gone to see her more. 

Six months ago she had been thin and sick looking, but Bucky had seen her look worse while growing up. 

But now he was here standing in a suit, looking up and down he had no idea what to do about the arm that had nothing filling it. Tucking it into the pocket looked weird, leaving it hanging my his side made it more obvious and would lead to questions from people who didn’t know about it. Brushing his hair back out of his face and stared at the mirror. 

He had an hour and a half. Walking out of his room, he looked at his mum. She stood eyes already red rimmed and looking beautiful in her black dress. Her eyes softened and she reached out. Nodding her head softly he followed her, she motioned at him to take off his shirt and jacket. Then he sat, feeling her eyes flick up to look at the heavily scarred limb he had. Her eyes watered but she continued to cut and sew. 

She handed it back to him before hurrying out of the room, but not before a sob erupted from her throat. Bucky had never felt so bad, he had hurt his mum and she was already in pain. 

Moving so that he was with his sisters, he climbed into a car with Polly and Mary. Then they were driving to the funeral home. It wasn’t the first time they were here, but it still hurt pulling up and parking a car. He was about to walk in and say good bye to someone. 

Steve was standing at the door, he could see him from where he was standing, but oddly Peggy wasn’t there. He frowned but he couldn’t say anything about. Because Steve was hugging his sisters, listening as they whispered soft words to him and he brushed a tear from Pollys cheek. Then his eyes darted up to his face, Bucky couldn’t look him in the eyes. 

“I’m sorry for your loss Steve, she should still be here.” his voice cracked and he knew he was going to cry. He expected to just get a handshake but, Steve reached out and pulled him close. “You lost her too, she told me you visited her and you didn’t know.” his voice was horse and a few tears hit Buckys collar. 

Leaning back he finally saw Steves eyes dart to his arm and then his face. The frown there was one of confusion and loss. But he moved on. Letting the next group of people talk to him. He was sat near the front, where family was normally sat. While there was many people there, almost none of them were family. 

And while he sat holding his sisters and Polly cried sitting in his lap, he let tears fall down and drip from his chin. 

It was a nice funeral as funerals went, Sarah had planned the whole thing and Steve barely had to talk. It was soft and nice, much like the woman herself. Bucky choked down a laugh as the song for carrying her from church started playing. She had always joked that this was the song she wished to be played as she left a church in a coffin. 

The some of the few people who had been invited back to Steves for the wake. 

When he walked in the door, he saw plates of food and pictures of Sarah at various times in her life decorating the room. Ones of her as a young girl, golden hair and molten brown eyes always grinning up at the camera. Others with Steve as a child and some even had him in them with his mother. 

He ran his finger along the frames and remembering the times they spent together. He found himself smiling slightly, then he caught a few people there staring at him. The knew who he was and he knew that even though this was the last place they should ask that they most certainly would. Christ he had a guy ask him while he was using a urinal once. 

Bucky moved, slowly till he reached the door that lead to the kitchen and he snuck through the door and placed his back against it. Breathing deeply and running his hand down his face, before forcing his hair out of his face. Now he wished he had got a hair cut, long hair and a few days of stubble weren’t appropriate for this setting. 

“Hey.” Said a soft voice, one he still knew really well. Looking up he saw Steves face, with a nervous gentle smile on his lips. “Hey." he said with a small quirk of his lips. 

Then he moved forward quickly, his arm out and wrapped it round Steve. Feeling his skinny body lean forward into his grip, hands gripping tightly onto the back of his jacket and Bucky felt his shoulders start to shake. “Hey, it’s okay Steve.” his lips pressed the top of his head, “Cry it out, Stevie.” 

They stood there, Steve crying and Bucky just holding him. Bucky turned them so he was facing the door, glaring at anyone who came through door not matter who they were. Many flushed with embarrassment and left quickly and quietly. But soon it became to hard and Bucky knew before long, people would be confused. 

So he moved, softly guiding Steve out and towards his bedroom. Still whispering comforting things to him, feeling the tears finally stop falling. He sat down slowly on the bed and pulled Steve forward so he was between his legs. The weight of him resting against his shoulder and arms wrapped round his neck, they were slow and shaky. 

The drag of leather ran across his neck and he frowned but didn’t think it was important. 

What he didn’t think would happen would be for Steve to push at him, force him to lay down on his back and then climb into his lap. Steve rested his head against his neck, pressing his cold nose into his neck and just sniffling against the skin. Bucky ran his hand through his blond hair, feeling Steves breath slow and he knew that he had cried him self tired. 

So he lay there for hours, just letting Steve sleep against him. Let his hand run up and down Steves back, keeping him close so that he was comfortable and felt safe. He heard the door opening and closing and the soft fall of heels against the floor. He looked up a little as his mum popped her head round the door, she smiled and Bucky couldn’t help but smile back. She walked forward, slipping the shoes from both their feet and blew a kiss before leaving. 

His eyes were as heavy as the sun outside, laying back down and wrapping his arm tight round Steve. He slept. 

——————

Hours later he was woken by hands shaking him, he gripped down on the thing in his hand, which turned out to be Steves hip. And then looked up at the concerned blue eyes, watched as Steve opened and closed his mouth. before slumping back in the bed and loosening his hand on his hip. 

He jerked slightly as hands ran through his hair. Brushing sweat soaked hair back, then running down the sides of his face and he leaned into the cool feel of them. When they reached his neck and pulled him up so he was sitting up, Steve still sat in his lap. His hand never left his hip, his thumb gently brushing the skin the was showing under the white shirt. 

Bucky swallowed as Steve slowly unbuttoned his jacket, sliding it off his arms and dropping it onto the floor and making his shirt follow. He watched Steve bite his lip and then start to removes own shirt. Bucky just watched what was happening, tracing the sharp joint of Steves hip. 

Sucking in a breath as Steve leaned forward, keeping their eyes locked on one another and sinking his hands into Buckys hair. He tugged slightly at the sweat matted hair, making soft shushing noises as he moved forward. Steves eyes slipped shut, his lips slipped across Buckys dry and chapped. He could remember exactly how Steve licked to be kissed, so he kissed him. 

He knew they were going slowly, at first it was just brushes of lips and the gentle sweep of fingers of where their hands had started. Like a first kiss in a movie. It was so soft and he could hear the soft breaths Steve let out overtime their lips caught just a little longer. Then Bucky caught a hold of Steves lips, and they were kissing. Lips tasting at each others and tongues brushing against lips and teeth. Bucky wrapped his arm round Steves hips, pulling him as close as he could. 

Steve pushed against him, making them fall flat against the bed. And in that moment Bucky held him close and rolled. Having Steve underneath him, legs wrapped round his hips and fingers pulling at his hair. Lips not leaving each others, Bucky put weight into his arm and let his fingers twist slightly in Steves cropped hair. 

Dragging his lips away from Steves even when he made noises against the move, he started on his neck. Sucking gentle bruises into the skin the way Steve had always liked, he knew it would cause his thighs to tighten around him and for Steve to grip tightly on his hair. He kept going, loving the noises and the jump of Steves hips up against him. Steve was just as hard as he was, he could feel them bumping against each other through their pants. 

Putting all his weight on what was left of his left arm, looking down at Steve he used his hand to cup his ass and guide him. Helping him move his hips up against his, watching as Steves mouth dropped open at the feeling and he couldn’t help but smile. 

Leaning down and kissing his way down Steves chest, feeling the brittle bones underneath soft skin, he licked at Steves nipples and felt how his hips jerked up roughly at it. Smiling he sat back on his heels, looking at Steves hands fisted in the pillow above his head and how his legs were still gripping tight around him; trying to haul him back down. 

He felt his breathing speed up more than it already was, looking down at the obvious arousal in Steves black slacks. He ran his hand over it and popped the button open, which had eyes focus on him and legs drop from his hips. He kept his eyes on Steve as he pulled them down and off his slim legs, but he pulled the boxers he had on too off. 

Swallowing Bucky followed suit. 

Then he was pulled down, completely naked against the only person he truly loved and he moaned. Kissing Steve with all he could, licking into his mouth and grinding them together. The dry drag of them together was pleasant but he knew he couldn’t do it for long, God he loved Steve so much and he was finally going to be with him. 

Groaning into Steves neck, he felt short nails drag down his back and hands grip his ass. Forcing him down harder and in much sharper thrusts against him. He dug his teeth in at the feeling of Steve wanting him for this, wanting him on him and getting as pleasure as he was. 

It was then the first words were said, “Bucky…” the slow breathy sound oh his name falling from those lips had his hips grinding down jerkily and he could feel himself leak slightly at it. “God…Bucky…I want…” Steve wet his lip and Buck watched the tongue darting across Steves lips like nothing else could be better. “…fuck Bucky. Please.” 

“Okay. Okay Stevie.” Bucky had to sit up again, but he knew where Steve kept everything. Moving he pulled the drawer open and pulled out the lube. Biting his lip and watching Steves eyes as he dripped the lube over his fingers. He watched where his fingers went, let them slip between Steves legs and rub them across his hole. Liking the way his eyes bugged a little at the cold feeling, how he shifted as he ran his fingers across him just appealing pressure. 

Slipping a finger in, had his back bowing and his hands fisting the pillow. He went so slow it must have been half an hour that he slowly fingered Steve adding fingers and lube whenever he felt it was needed. He loved watching Steve like this, how occasionally his hand would dig nails into Buckys stomach and how quiet he seemed to be. 

Leaning forward, letting his lips graze Steves ear and he whispered. "Can i?”

“You fucking better.” he gasped out as Bucky grazed that spot he had found in him far to quickly. 

Dragging his fingers out of Steve, and hearing Steve swear even more. He chuckled softly and knew that Steve while quiet would never stop swearing. 

Bucky gripped himself, feeling a lot of pressure on his other arm. But he kept going, the first time he slipped past where he was meant to go. But Steve still groaned as if he thought Bucky was teasing him which he was even if he didn’t mean to. Then before Bucky could really think he was sinking into Steve, finally looking down at Steves face watching as it happened. 

He should have expected Steve to wrap his thighs round him and pull him in and down faster, Then he was there and inside Steve. 

From there it was maddening and all he could remember was the noise of their bodies coming together, the gasps and moans coming from their mouths, and the sharp bite of Steves mouth on his shoulder as he came. He came later and had to force himself to roll to the side, Steve complaining the whole time. 

A sharp chin dug into his ribs and he looked over at Steve, who smiled up at him. 

“A year ago something happened.” Steve spoke and Bucky stayed silent. “A year ago my wrist started burning and Bucky I thought Peggy had died and i was so scared to look at it. But you know what I saw there. Your fucking name, Peggys gone like it had never even been there.” he raised an eyebrow at Steve, “So I freak out and call Angie and you know what she tells me, same things just happened to Peggy. And Peggy is crying and confused but with her.” 

Steve looks away for a second, breathing deeply and wincing for a second. “But then I figure should try and contact your family. But i am so scared, your sisters glared at me for months after you left, what if i get told to just fuck off. So I wait. I wait till Monday morning and I get told that you were injured. And all i can think about is loosing you before I get you.”

Rolling onto his back Steve holds his hand, “Then you come back and I am too scared. So i do nothing. Then mum died and I just didn’t care. And now we are here.” 

Closing his eyes Bucky and just thinking for a second. He wants with all his heart to forgive Steve. Like right in that second he wished he could and with him finally being with Steve. But Steve just didn’t seem to be ashamed by the fact the last time he had seen Bucky, he had pretty much screamed him out of his life for Bucky just changing his mind. 

Pulling a breath in through his teeth, he turned and all he could feel was anger in this small moment. “Your not sorry about telling me to fuck off though, are you?” He was gritting his teeth and his stump was throbbing. He had to control himself right now. 

The open handed slap that caught him across the chest, broke him out of whatever he was thinking. “Course I am fucking sorry Bucky!” Steve growled, swinging a leg over his waist and putting all his weight down on Bucky. “Bucky you think I lived with the feeling that I basically sent not only my best friend away, but later on realised why I felt so empty when you were gone was because you were my soulmate!” He growls. Teeth bared and hair like a halo of gold round his head, he looked like an angel falling. 

“I fucking hated myself.” jerking his head to the side out of view, “I still fucking do.” 

Bucky kept looking up at him, eyes darting across his skin. But before he could even talk Steve was leaning over him, his hot breath and angry eyes focused on him. Biting kisses covered his lips and hands fisted his hair just on the wrong side of painful. 

It was happening quickly, Steve was kissing him and it was so angry but he just didn’t know who he was angry with. There was still anger coursing through Buckys blood and he gripped Steves hip as hard as he could. Listening to the gasp fall from Steves lips, how his eyes zoned on him and he knew this look. Steve wasn't backing down from this fight not now not ever. 

They were biting at each other and Bucky growled, Steve kept grinding down against him. And fuck it, he was going to do this too. Finding the bottle discarded between the sheets he forced it open, covered his hand more than he wanted and slid three fingers in. 

Fiery eyes focused on him and Steve smirked. Lips spread wide and teeth glowing in the moonlight. He felt like the air was knocked out of him the moment fingers wrapped round him and jerked quickly and harshly. They weren't holding back and the room was full of skin slapping, breathing and moans. It was everything. 

But a hand was round his wrist and he was tempted to roll them to stop what ever Steve was trying to do. 

Thats when Steve moved forward forcing their mouths together, so hard Bucky was sure his lip was split. I knew it when all he could taste was blood and Steve pulled back with blood on his chin, while he let himself slide down on Bucky. Panting mouth open as wide as it could go, he forced his eyes to focus on the faces Steve was pulling. 

Steve slammed his hands hard down on Buckys chest, nails digging in, knees pressed tightly to Buckys sides; and all Bucky could do was hold on and moan. 

Hard and fast they were moving. The near constant pull and squeeze around him was making Bucky want to flip them, fold Steve in half and fuck him. Because this was pure carnal fucking. He could feel them putting all the anger they felt into it. He forced himself up, holding Steve down on him. Grinning through his blood coated teeth, he made it so all Steve could do was grind on him. He smiled and felt like he was finally getting back at Steve, watching as he slowly went mad trying to feel more. 

Hands pulled his hair hard and he let Steve go. Then all they did was gasp into each others mouths, eyes unfocused and blurry. And Bucky said while holding Steves head, “I fucking hated you.” The flash of pain in his eyes made Bucky hold his head locked on him. “I forgive you, but fuck you Steve. Sending me away and hurting me, it was a hundred times worse than what you felt.” 

Bucky jerked suddenly, feeling himself cum inside of Steve and let his body sag slightly. Steve kept moving against him and he joined him. Then they just lay there. The room was cold and the air still, the words said made it much more real. 

“Okay. Okay.” Steve whispered into his neck, “There’s nothing I can do to take it back. Nothing that makes what I did acceptable, but we can move forward right?” 

Sighing and closing his eyes, he needed to sleep. “Yeah. I love you Steve.” He ran a hand over his hair, “Just sleep.”

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow wrote this in one day, there is spelling mistakes so yeah.  
> If you want contact me here [My blog](http://thestuckynation.tumblr.com)


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